Alright, I've tried:
Uninstalling and reinstalling Avast (additionally, using the avastclean uninstaller instead of add/remove.. I just figured it would do a more thorough job.)
Full scan with MalwareBytes
sfc /scannow
chkdsk /f
Using Autoruns to disable all startup items
(While startups were disabled) I followed the instructions to repair font installation from the above link.
I did this twice, once rebooting straight to regular Windows, and again into safe mode first.
Doing this, I realised that the font/UI weirdness doesn't occur in safe mode. ..But it does still occur now.
Maybe it is malware, I have no idea, I'll try Combofix to be sure.
Edit: Combofix produced nothing and the log file looks fine... I googled anything unfamiliar. Here's another screenshot to illuminate the weird UI distortions, besides the text.
I just tried to open my graphics control panel(s) upon noticing their icons were missing from my system tray (I have dual onboard GPUs) and neither would open.. =/ Apparently "a device attached to the system is not functioning." System restore time, perhaps.