Author Topic: So funny I had to post  (Read 628408 times)

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Offline DavidR

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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #1185 on: August 09, 2015, 03:11:28 PM »
Hi bob3160,

Maybe the fun was in the word "Evolution" because that was the name of a Linux project, one of the software solutions that were created to bring the power of Linux to Windows users, and I thought that was funny.

Damian

More funny peculiar, rather than funny, ha ha ;)
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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #1186 on: August 10, 2015, 06:08:36 PM »
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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #1187 on: August 11, 2015, 05:27:19 PM »
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Offline mchain

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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #1188 on: August 14, 2015, 08:00:15 PM »
The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest level of language development.
Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards and airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.  The stewardess looks at him and says, “I'm sorry sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.  One turns to the other and says, “Dam!'
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.  Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
4. Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, “I've lost my electron.”  The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “Yes, I'm positive.”
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?  His goal: transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.  “But, why?”, they asked, as they moved off.  “Because,” he said, “I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
7. A woman delivers a set of identical twins and decides to give them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.”  The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.”  Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.  Her husband responds, “They're twins!  If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.”
8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.  Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.  He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.  He went back and begged the friars to close.  They ignored him.  So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” the friars to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.  Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.  He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.  This made him (Oh dude, this is so bad, it's good….) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.  No pun in ten did.

Which one is your favorite?

[EDIT:] Fixed formatting error.
« Last Edit: August 14, 2015, 08:01:56 PM by mchain »
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Offline DavidR

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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #1189 on: August 14, 2015, 08:37:59 PM »
These must be hard for those who don't have English as their first language and probably some of those too ;)

I loved number 7, so that one worked.

Not sure how number 8 managed to get into the top 10.
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Offline Asyn

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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #1190 on: August 14, 2015, 08:42:27 PM »
#4 is great. ;D
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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #1191 on: August 14, 2015, 09:00:04 PM »
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Offline iroc9555

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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #1192 on: August 14, 2015, 11:38:47 PM »
These must be hard for those who don't have English as their first language and probably some of those too ;)

I loved number 7, so that one worked.

Not sure how number 8 managed to get into the top 10.

Only if learned in language school at home. If one learned a second language abroad, it is easy to find the double meaning ( pun ).

BTW I also like de twin joke with Juan and Ahmal  ;D On the other hand it does not matter if they are identical, mothers will always tell the differences between their children.
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Offline Para-Noid

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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #1193 on: August 17, 2015, 11:13:25 PM »
10 Fun Facts!

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Offline ehmen

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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #1194 on: August 20, 2015, 02:10:23 AM »
Here's a solution to a problem some face:


Offline iroc9555

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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #1195 on: August 20, 2015, 03:41:47 AM »
Yeah !!! if there is no shark in that dryer that eats socks. I had one once. I hated that dryer >:(
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Offline CraigB

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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #1196 on: August 21, 2015, 05:47:42 PM »
Missing wife

A husband went to the police station to report that his wife was missing...
 
Husband:   My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant:   What is her height?

Husband:   Gee, I’m not sure. About five-feet four.

Sergeant:   Weight?
Husband:   Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:   Colour of eyes?

Husband:   Never really noticed, brown or green.

Sergeant:   Colour of hair?

Husband:   Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant:   What was she wearing?

Husband:   Usually a skirt or slacks and a blouse or polo top. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant:   What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:   She took my sports coupe.

Sergeant:   What kind of sports coupe was it?
 
Husband:   Mercedes-Benz CL65 AMG 7G-Tronic finished In Magnetite Black Metallic with Black Soft-Leather  Electrically Adjustable and Heated AMG Front Sport Seats with Memory; Brushed Aluminium trim with Piano Black Cappings;  Unmarked 19" AMG Multispoke Alloy Wheels;  Tyre Pressure Monitoring;  Panoramic Glass Electric Tilt/Slide Sunroof;  COMAND Online with HDD Wide Screen Satellite Navigation;  Bluetooth Telephone Connectivity;  Multi-Media Interface for MP3, Ipod etc;  Superb Sound System With DAB and Harman-Kardon Sound Upgrade;  Leather Trimmed AMG Multi-Function Steering Wheel with Paddle Shift;   Parktronic Front and Rear Parking Sensors;  Parking Assist;  Attention Assist;  Speed Limit Assist;  Electrically adjustable, heated door Mirrors with Powerfold;    Electrically Adjustable Steering Column;  Bi-Xenon Headlights with Powerwash and Auto Activation;  LED Daytime Running Lights;  Cruise Control;  Rear Privacy Glass;  AMG Carpet Overmats...
 
At this point the husband starts choking up.....
 
Sergeant:   Don’t worry, mate. We’ll find your car...

Offline CraigB

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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #1197 on: August 21, 2015, 05:50:27 PM »
Sex Research for The Innocent Women

The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most often asked questions of women (i.e.. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained herein to change their behaviour in accordance with the truths established below.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not emotionally confused like women.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: This is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you should do whatever he tells you without question, no matter how strange it seems at first. You will soon get used to it.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly.  He may go out with his friends to play golf or perhaps go to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out - while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing the laundry, cleaning the house, doing some gardening or getting a nice meal prepared for him.  He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy.  For the woman "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you do your chores.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about 3 inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare.  If by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees, thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth

Offline CraigB

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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #1198 on: August 21, 2015, 05:53:25 PM »
Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel.

One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food-preparation area. It was exhausting work; the guys were getting tired just WATCHING.

Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders, and they had a brilliant idea:

They could sit on the boulders and watch!

This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to television."

Offline Pondus

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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #1199 on: August 21, 2015, 05:59:45 PM »
Quote
Sex Research for The Innocent Women
;D  ;D