Author Topic: So funny I had to post  (Read 628917 times)

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Offline CraigB

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1665 on: August 08, 2017, 10:14:22 PM »
An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you ... you have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month.

Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints,"

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad... He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion ..."Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer...? You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"

Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

Offline CraigB

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1666 on: August 12, 2017, 02:07:21 PM »
As we SilverSurfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie , the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Georgie grinned ..'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

I used to like Georgie , the little shithead.

Offline bob3160

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1667 on: August 12, 2017, 03:20:38 PM »
As we SilverSurfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie , the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Georgie grinned ..'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

I used to like Georgie , the little shithead.
I offered this advice in my very first presentation back in 2010.

The problem is that many Seniors also suffer from CRS (can't remember shi (t) )
By the time I returned each subsequent year, I found that this same malady had returned. :)
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Offline CraigB

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1668 on: August 12, 2017, 05:10:04 PM »
As we SilverSurfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie , the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Georgie grinned ..'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

I used to like Georgie , the little shithead.
I offered this advice in my very first presentation back in 2010.

The problem is that many Seniors also suffer from CRS (can't remember shi (t) )
By the time I returned each subsequent year, I found that this same malady had returned. :)
;D ;D ;D

Offline bob3160

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1669 on: August 15, 2017, 01:21:21 AM »
Free avast! Security Seminar: http://bit.ly/2N1eaR2  -  Important: http://www.organdonor.gov/ -- My Web Site: http://bob3160.strikingly.com/ - Win 10 Pro v1909 64bit, 24 Gig Ram, 1TB SSD, AvastOmni 20.7.xxx, How to Successfully Install Avast http://goo.gl/VLXdeRepair & Clean Install https://goo.gl/t7aJGq

Offline bob3160

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1670 on: August 26, 2017, 07:23:44 PM »
Free avast! Security Seminar: http://bit.ly/2N1eaR2  -  Important: http://www.organdonor.gov/ -- My Web Site: http://bob3160.strikingly.com/ - Win 10 Pro v1909 64bit, 24 Gig Ram, 1TB SSD, AvastOmni 20.7.xxx, How to Successfully Install Avast http://goo.gl/VLXdeRepair & Clean Install https://goo.gl/t7aJGq

Offline CraigB

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1671 on: September 04, 2017, 03:40:42 PM »
Google Pizza

-Hello! Gordon's pizza?
- No sir it's Google pizza.
- Ah okay, wrong number
- No sir, Google bought Gordon's
- Okay. Then can I order please...
- Do you want the usual?
- The usual? You know my usual?
- According to our caller ID, the last 12 times you ordered pizza with cheese, sausage, and thick crust
- OK! Yes, that's it...
- May I suggest you add ricotta, arugula and sun-dry tomato?
- No, I don't want vegetables
- But your cholesterol is very high
- How do you know that?
- Through your opt-in to our daily specials email. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years
- Okay, but I do not want extras on my pizza, I am medicated for the condition
- You have not taken the medicine regularly, 4 months ago you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Meds4U dot com
- I bought more from another supplier
- It's not showing on your credit card
- I paid in cash
- But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement
- I have other source of cash
- This is not showing as per your 2017 Tax return, unless you got it from an undeclared income source
- WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I'm going to an Island without internet or phone and no one to spy on me
- I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport as it expired 5 weeks ago.

Offline Asyn

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1672 on: September 04, 2017, 03:43:38 PM »
ROFL... ;D 8) 8)
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Offline SpeedyPC

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1673 on: September 05, 2017, 04:47:24 AM »
Found this from another forum  ;)
« Last Edit: September 05, 2017, 04:49:26 AM by SpeedyPC »
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Offline SpeedyPC

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1674 on: September 16, 2017, 06:07:52 AM »
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know..

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.
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Offline polonus

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1675 on: September 28, 2017, 12:58:21 AM »
A beautiful IT poem

Quote
Three gigs for the secretaries fair
Seven gigs for the system source
Nine gigs for the coders in smoky lairs
One disk to rule them all, one disk to bind them
One disk to hold the files, and in the darkness grind'em
---------------------------------------------------
It is by caffeine alone that I set my mind in motion.
It is by the beans of Java, that my thoughts acquire speed.
The hand acquire shakes; the shakes become a warning.
It is by caffeine alone that I set my mind in motion.

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Cybersecurity is more of an attitude than anything else. Avast Evangelists.

Use NoScript, a limited user account and a virtual machine and be safe(r)!

Offline Pondus

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Offline SpeedyPC

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1677 on: October 13, 2017, 03:30:11 PM »
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Offline CraigB

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1678 on: October 13, 2017, 08:51:31 PM »
One day a Scotsman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

“It’s certainly not a ship,” he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf is a drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, “Tell me how long it’s been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years,” replies the Scotsman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Och – in the name of the wee man is that good!”

“And how long has it been since you’ve had a sip of good scotch?” she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, “Ten years.” She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, “Tis absolutely fantastic!”

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, “And how long has it been since you’ve played around?”

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, “Oh, sweet Jesus! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there too!”

Offline CraigB

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1679 on: October 13, 2017, 09:06:46 PM »
So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.

I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."

He said, "No, this is for the custard." :P