Author Topic: So funny I had to post  (Read 614547 times)

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Offline DavidR

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1845 on: June 09, 2020, 01:09:39 AM »


In the UK we have an incapacity benefit.

Now is his incapacity, the beer or not able to walk (after drinking all that beer) :D
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Offline CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1846 on: June 09, 2020, 05:26:01 PM »
What I've Learned During Lockdown

They say you can’t fix stupidity. Turns out you can’t quarantine it either.

People keep asking, “Is Corona Virus really that serious?”
Listen up! Churches and Casinos are closed.
When heaven and hell agree on the same thing, it’s probably pretty serious.

Take smug comfort in the fact that all the parents who never taught their kids respect and good behaviour are now stuck at home with them.

The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to return to a society where pants and bras are required.

Cops these days will soon be shouting…”Come out with your hands washed!”

Day 70 of quarantine…ate all the snacks and food…clothes no longer fit… but I’m still wearing gloves and a mask for my protection.

Never in my whole life would I imagine my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth!

Ask not what staying home on the couch can do for you, but staying home on the couch can do for your country.

The police have confronted nudist sunbathers over not wearing face masks amid Corona Virus outbreak.

The advantage of dating older people is that they can get you into the grocery store early.

I don’t like the fact that my chances of survival seem to be linked to the common sense of others.

With so many sporting events cancelled, they’re having to televise the World Origami Championship…It’s on Paperview.

Everyone is posting memes and talking about coming out of this quarantine with a new skill or side hustle.
I’m just sitting here wondering how I never noticed there’s a turd in Saturday.

Not to brag, but I haven’t been late for anything for the past 10 weeks!

It’s been a blessing being home with the wife for the past 10 weeks. We’ve caught up on everything I’ve done wrong over the past ten years.

Have you noticed that since beauty salons are closed, selfies are down 68%?

Breaking News: Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to prevent coronavirus, but to stop eating.

Offline bob3160

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1847 on: June 11, 2020, 07:15:47 PM »
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Offline CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1848 on: June 12, 2020, 08:11:29 AM »

Offline bob3160

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1849 on: June 12, 2020, 01:56:58 PM »
Probably recovered with a lovely shade of black and blue. :)
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Offline bob3160

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1850 on: June 17, 2020, 06:41:10 PM »
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Offline bob3160

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1851 on: June 20, 2020, 12:14:20 AM »
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Offline CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1852 on: June 20, 2020, 09:20:56 AM »
In a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment ...

 "The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy ...  You set yourselves apart too much. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.
 
Look at me: I'm me!  I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"
 
 The Englishman lowered his newspaper and replied, "How very sporting of your mother."

Offline pomaranczka

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1853 on: June 20, 2020, 06:24:53 PM »
« Last Edit: June 24, 2020, 12:00:06 PM by pomaranczka »

Offline CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1854 on: June 20, 2020, 08:06:59 PM »
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that,"

Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job,"

Says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus,"

Says the barman.

"The circus?"

Repeats the duck.

"That's right,"

Replies the barman.

"The circus?"

The duck asks again.

“With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......

"What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!"

Offline Pondus

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1855 on: June 20, 2020, 09:22:18 PM »
Quote
The Englishman lowered his newspaper and replied, "How very sporting of your mother."
Loooooooooooool    ;D




Offline bob3160

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1856 on: June 20, 2020, 09:31:28 PM »
Quote
The Englishman lowered his newspaper and replied, "How very sporting of your mother."
Loooooooooooool    ;D
Way too LOOOOOOOOONG for me. :)
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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1857 on: June 22, 2020, 02:18:50 AM »
Customer: "Excuse me, this coffee tastes like mud."
Waiter: "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1858 on: June 24, 2020, 10:41:32 PM »
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Offline CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1859 on: June 29, 2020, 11:53:57 AM »
I'm Sick of......

I’m sick of the covid19 idiots who won’t follow the safety rules
I’m sick of black vs. white.
I’m sick of Right wing vs Left wing extremism
I’m sick of BBC Bias in so-called news programmes
I’m sick of seeing us being pulled by the nose by rapacious greedy Unions.
I’m sick of gay vs. straight.
I’m sick of the constant babble from the Trans lobby
I’m sick of the Religious vs Atheist arguments.
I’m sick of not being allowed to think and politely express a personal opinion without offending some snowflake.
I’m sick of the WOKE movement
I’m sick of the police and judiciary not taking proper action against criminals
I'm sick of the tiny minority who look for things to get offended about and then get their way with our weak authorities.
I'm sick of people blaming the majority for the sins of a few.
I’m sick of religious leaders meddling in political affairs
I’m sick of ignoramuses believing all the rubbish on Facebook, Twitter and other social media
I’m sick of the behaviour of Megan and Harry
I’m sick of the lack of action against so-called Travellers illegal sites and them brazenly committing crimes around the country
I’m sick of litter
I’m sick of fly tippers
I’m sick of prisons being run like holiday camps
I’m sick of us tolerating sharia law in the UK, no-go ghettos and soft pedalling with grooming gangs
I’m sick of the vocal minority getting away with things at the expense of the majority
I’m sick of the EU and their intransigence with Brexit.
I’m sick of sport getting more media exposure and column inches than worthy causes
I’m sick of people smoking, taking drugs, getting obese and expecting the rest of the population to pay for the medical consequences they suffer
I’m sick of our reluctance to kick out illegal immigrants and foreign criminals
I’m sick of the lack of manners, respect for others and kindness in society
I’m sick of TV repeats and the banal rubbish they call entertainment
I’m sick of reading about Trump’s idiocy
I’m sick of road hogs and tailgaters
I’m sick of the obscene salaries and bonus payments handed out to so-called captains of industry
I’m sick of the banks closing branches and removing ATM’s.
I’m sick of the “celebrity” cult
I’m sick of plastic pollution
I’m sick of the ignorant blinded bigots, fanatics and racist morons thrusting their beliefs on others & not accepting the fact that we all don’t have the same mind-set as them. Having our own minds is what makes us all individual.
I’m sick of those who try to destroy our history
I’m sick of those who condemn this country – but are happy to enjoy the freedom and benefits they are given
I’m sick of silent phone calls and the avalanche of attempted scams we are subjected to
I’m sick of forgetting to remember things

Other than those few things – I’m quite happy ;D