So funny I had to post

[CraigB]

@ CraigB

See https://forum.avast.com/index.php?topic=85679.msg1095803#msg1095803

See what? someone sitting in a bin...moderately funny but not quite "so funny I had to post"

[CraigB]

A Man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire Life."

"Where's Tony Blair's clock?" asked the man.

"Tony's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[CraigB]

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.  Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought turkey sandwiches every day!  This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a turkey sandwich.

He said, 'Hey, how come you're not eating turkey, don't you like it anymore?'

She said 'I love it but I have to stop eating it.'

'Why?' he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said 'Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!'

'Let me see' he said.

'Okay' and she showed him. 

He looked and said, 'That's right.  You are! Better not eat any more turkey.'

He kept eating his turkey sandwiches until one day he brought a peanut butter sandwich instead. He said to the little girl,

'I have to stop eating turkey sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!'
 
She asked if she could look, so he showed her!

She said, 'Oh, my God, it's too late for you!...You've already got the NECK and Giblets!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[CraigB]

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted! They're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way."

[CraigB]

THE WINE TASTER
 
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.
 
The director of the winery wondered how to send him away but decided to give him a glass to drink - he was bound to get it wrong.
 
The drunk tried it and said: 'It's a Muscat , three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.'
 
"That's correct", said the boss in amazement.
 
Another glass....
 
This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results'
 
Bloody 'ell he thought but replied "Correct."
 
A third glass...
 
"It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne , high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly.
 
The director was astonished.
 
He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.
 
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
 
The alcoholic tried it,spit it out with revulsion and said "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."

[Para-Noid]

@ CraigB

See https://forum.avast.com/index.php?topic=85679.msg1095803#msg1095803

See what? someone sitting in a bin...moderately funny but not quite "so funny I had to post"

You posted the same joke before. 

[CraigB]

So I did, time for me to go to the HOS ( hall of shame )

[insanetigger68]

Nearly coughed up a lung with this, it should come with a health warning LMAO Like a few people have said would have made no1 and lots of money lol

[Secondmineboy]

A nice possibly rigged game:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v0wmuN52B3s

[REDACTED]

So I did, time for me to go to the HOS ( hall of shame )

+1 
I never heard about that, but sounds like HOF (hall of fame). 

[CraigB]

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him €240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

 Then there's the housekeeper. She gets €190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

Oh, nearly forgot, there's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about €25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

 

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

 

"That'll be me then," said Paddy

[Pondus]

 

[SpeedyPC]

@Craig



Your killing me again

[REDACTED]

Too lengthy to read but in total it is great and awesome post.

[sergofun]

CraigB, you've made my day