Author Topic: So funny I had to post (Read 946870 times)

DavidR · « **Reply #1306 on:** September 20, 2015, 04:02:37 PM »

Quote from: Steven Winderlich on September 20, 2015, 01:45:24 PM

Meals on wheels

bob3160 · « **Reply #1307 on:** September 20, 2015, 04:11:11 PM »

Got to catch it first....

polonus · « **Reply #1308 on:** September 20, 2015, 05:46:51 PM »

He wants revenge for what gypsies did to his kin

polonus

bob3160 · « **Reply #1309 on:** September 21, 2015, 05:48:02 PM »

CraigB · « **Reply #1310 on:** September 21, 2015, 06:29:05 PM »

I like that one Bob

bob3160 · « **Reply #1311 on:** September 22, 2015, 05:32:35 PM »

polonus · « **Reply #1312 on:** September 22, 2015, 11:05:07 PM »

The nonsense of worrying, see attached.

polonus

CraigB · « **Reply #1313 on:** September 25, 2015, 07:09:43 AM »

THE AUSSIE VERSION OF CREATION

In the beginning God created day and night.

He created day for footy matches, going to the beach, and BBQ's.

He created night for going prawning, sleeping, and BBQ's.

On the Second Day, God created water for surfing, swimming, and BBQ's on the beach,

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs,

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans, for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.

So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes.

He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good .. ...

Well..... Almost good.....

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.

So God created Sheilas to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good....

It was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!

nanajana · « **Reply #1314 on:** September 25, 2015, 04:17:15 PM »

Politicians - Always good for a laugh!

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~Aesop~

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these Election speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~

Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President, Prime Minister or Premier; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~

There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.
~Will Rogers~

CraigB · « **Reply #1315 on:** September 25, 2015, 06:24:17 PM »

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for his client.

His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

ehmen · « **Reply #1316 on:** September 25, 2015, 10:27:20 PM »

bob3160 · « **Reply #1317 on:** September 28, 2015, 06:50:18 PM »

Secondmineboy · « **Reply #1318 on:** September 29, 2015, 07:47:09 PM »

CraigB · « **Reply #1319 on:** September 30, 2015, 07:51:31 AM »

The girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.

"Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"

"No, it's because you're 25."