NEVER WAX YOUR HOO-HA
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless hair removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now....the wax.
Read on..........
Her night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home and fix dinner for herself, watch TV or read a book then go to bed for a well-earned rest.
She then had the thought that would ring painfully in her mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should get the waxing kit from the medicine cabinet' she muttered to herself. So she headed to the site of her imminent demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?
She was aware she was not a genius, but mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So she pulled one of the thin strips out. It was two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, her genius kicked in and she grabbed the hair dryer and heated it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!), She laid the strip across her thigh. Held the skin around it tight and pulled.
It worked! She was chuffed with herself – it was easy peasy.
OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. She can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes her - after all she is She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.
With the next wax strip she moved north to participate in the ultimate intimate hair fighting championship. She removed her panties and placed one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, she applied the wax strip across the right side of her bikini line, covering the right half of her hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of her butt cheek (it was a long strip).
She I inhaled deeply and braced herself.... RRRRIIIIIIPPP!!!!
She's blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!..... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!she screamed
Vision returning, she noticed that she had only managed to rip off half the strip.
CRAP!
Another deep breath and RIIIIPPPPPPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. She thinks she may pass out.... but summoned everything she'd got to stay conscious.... In her head she hears crashing drums and whistling??? She steadies herself and breathed deeply, breathed.... until nearly back to normal.
She had an urge to see her trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused her so much pain, with her hairy pelt sticking to it. She yearned to revel in the glory that is her triumph over body hair. She braced herself and held up the strip!
There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? OH GORD! WHERE IS THE WAX???
Slowly she eased her head down, foot still perched on the toilet. She can see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip... it's not! She touches it… OH HELL....she is touching wax. She runs her fingers over the most sensitive part of her body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then she makes the next BIG mistake ... her one foot is still propped up on the toilet? So she put it down on the floor.
Sealed shut! her butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut! She penguin walked around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and thinks to her herself 'Please don't let me get the urge to go to the toilet...her head would surely pop off!'
What can I do to melt the wax? she wonders, then has a brainwave.
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! Salvation has arrived - so she ran the hottest water she could tolerate in the bathtub, thinking all it needs is for her to get in and immerse her wax-covered bits and that the wax would melt and she could gently wipe it off, right Huh?
*WRONG!!!!!!!*
She gets in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - but needs must - and she sat down.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.....in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt cold wax.
So, she's now stuck to the bottom of the tub as though she had cemented herself to it!!
God bless the man who had convinced her a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! She managed to reach it and called her closest friend, thinking that her friend had probably waxed before and would have some secret of how to get her undone. It was a very good conversation starter.
She blurts out "'My butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"
There is a pause, and deafening silence, broken by hysterical laughter from her friend. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does eventually try to hide her laughter. She wanted to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking bum cheeks or hoo-ha". The poor victim answers "Both", which produces another fit of hysterics.
Her friend finally suggests that if she can reach it - she calls the advice number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! Do that and be the joke of someone else's night and probably make the newspapers – or even worse – bloody Facebook.
While they went through various solutions, she resorted to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and she's pretty sure she's going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counselling for this event.
Undeterred by the brainwaves that got her into this situation - she uses the long handled back scrubber to knock the wax kit box off the wash basin and onto the floor - and scraped it across within reach. Perhaps there is a leaflet in the box that might help.
There is no leaflet – but in the box she finds her saving grace - a bottle of lotion to remove the excess wax. What does she really have to lose at this point?. So she rubs some on and OH MY GOD!!! The scream probably woke the neighbours and scared the dickens out of her friend. It's sooo painful, but by now she didn't really care.
'IT WORKED!!
She got hearty congratulations from her giggling friend and hung up the phone.
She successfully removed the remainder of the wax and then noticed to her total grief and despair....THE HAIR WAS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! After the treatment her pelt had gone through - it resembled a drowned and bedraggled pussy. A thought she thought rather appropriate.
So she recklessly shaved it off. Heck, she was numb by now. Nothing hurt. She could have amputated her own leg at this point.
She then staggered back to the kitchen and raided the fridge for a bottle of wine.
After a couple of glasses – she had yet another brainwave. Next week she will try dying her hair ......how bad could that possibly turn out???
Some people never learn.