Author Topic: So funny I had to post  (Read 607658 times)

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Offline sadie_01

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1755 on: December 05, 2019, 03:42:31 AM »
OMG! It's been awhile since I was here. The OP!!! That's the funniest thing I've ever read!! My sides hurt from laughing so much!

And page 117, this post " NEVER WAX YOUR HOO-HA".  Oh geez. That was good. And thanks to the poster for keeping it appropriately clean.  ;)

Offline CraigB

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So funny I had to post
« Reply #1756 on: December 05, 2019, 07:29:54 AM »
You're welcome sadie_01 :)

I'd forgotten all about this topic so it must be due for some new material...

Offline CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1757 on: December 05, 2019, 07:33:12 AM »
Why I'm Depressed

Once when lost as a child .. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him. "Do you think we'll ever find them." He said  “I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out of a window on the tenth floor.. so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said "On your marks...

When my father wanted sex my mother would show him a picture of me.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up to find a blind man reading my face.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips…...yet she won't drink from my glass!

I went for a walk in the park and some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said  "No.. one drag is enough."

I got myself good this morning. I did my push ups in the nude but I didn't see the mouse trap.

A girl phoned me and said  "Come on over there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to massage parlour with a friend. He didn't tell me it was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said.. "No.. I hate myself now."

She was no bargain either. She had pigtails under her arms.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I’m scheduled to jump off next Tuesday.

Offline CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1758 on: December 05, 2019, 07:37:07 AM »
Ladies Car

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women. Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the ‘Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it let alone turn it on even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it. Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually, have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one and replace it when it becomes troublesome.

Offline CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1759 on: December 05, 2019, 07:39:15 AM »
Amoosing Tale

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag six. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose.

The two lads objected strongly. 'Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same sort of plane as yours.'

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick: 'Any idea where we are?'

Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'

Offline DavidR

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1760 on: December 05, 2019, 10:17:24 AM »
Quote from: CraigB
Amoosing Tale
<snip>
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick: 'Any idea where we are?'

Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'

Splitting my sides
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Offline CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1761 on: December 09, 2019, 08:42:03 PM »
Painful blonde

A blonde walks into a doctors surgery and says, "Oh doctor, please help me, I have terrible pains wracking my whole body, it hurts everywhere."
"Look" she said, and touched her arm. "Ouch"
Then she touched her leg and her ribs. "Ouch,Ouch" she said.
"It,s ok" said the doctor, "dont panic, I can see what the problem is."
"Oh please tell me" said the blonde. "It hurts so much."
"You have a broken finger" says the doctor.

Offline DavidR

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1762 on: December 09, 2019, 10:23:21 PM »
Painful blonde

A blonde walks into a doctors surgery and says, "Oh doctor, please help me, I have terrible pains wracking my whole body, it hurts everywhere."
"Look" she said, and touched her arm. "Ouch"
Then she touched her leg and her ribs. "Ouch,Ouch" she said.


"It,s ok" said the doctor, "dont panic, I can see what the problem is."
"Oh please tell me" said the blonde. "It hurts so much."
"You have a broken finger" says the doctor.

I saw that one coming by line three  ;D
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Offline Asyn

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1763 on: December 23, 2019, 09:10:03 AM »
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Offline DavidR

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1764 on: December 23, 2019, 10:15:46 AM »
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Offline bob3160

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1765 on: December 23, 2019, 01:59:30 PM »
I saw this some time ago when it was first released.
It didn't impress me. Also not my type of humor.


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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1766 on: January 11, 2020, 09:02:29 PM »
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Offline SpeedyPC

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1767 on: January 11, 2020, 10:15:40 PM »
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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1768 on: January 12, 2020, 01:54:52 PM »
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Offline CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1769 on: January 12, 2020, 02:35:21 PM »
Why Judy changed motels...

Judy checked into a Motel on her 67th Birthday, she was lonely, a little depressed at her advancing age and it being the holiday season she decided to risk an adventure. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a dime off his well-oiled buns .......

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, so she rushed right in, "I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go at it all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?”

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."