Author Topic: So funny I had to post  (Read 633843 times)

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Offline Asyn

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1890 on: August 31, 2020, 06:51:28 AM »
A friend In Need

I’m writing on behalf of one of my mates who needs some help
His wife told him to go out and buy some of those pills that help men get an erection.
When he came back he gave her 5 packs of diet pills
He is now looking for some digs until the divorce settlement..
;D
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Offline CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1891 on: August 31, 2020, 06:52:27 AM »

Offline CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1892 on: August 31, 2020, 06:55:55 AM »
Waste Not, Want Not

At the end of the tax year, the the Tax Office sent a tax inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the taxman was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said: " I notice you buy a lot of bandages. I imagine there's a lot of wastage there.
What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use ?"

"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the taxman, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. However, he was now well mounted on his favourite hobby horse and ready to be critical.
" What about all these plaster purchases ? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient ? "

"Ah, yes," replied the executive, who actually hadn't a clue, but rising to the challenge. " We save that too, and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."

"My, my, an answer for everything ! " responded the auditor, who also fancied himself a bit of a wit.

" What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries ? "

" Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive.“ What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

Offline bob3160

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1893 on: September 01, 2020, 09:39:20 PM »
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Offline CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1894 on: September 02, 2020, 02:25:32 AM »
No harm in asking ;D ;D ;D

Offline CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1895 on: September 03, 2020, 03:22:46 AM »
A Tradition is Born

The King wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So, the King and the Queen went fishing. On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."

The King replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So, the King continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked.

Furious, the King returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So, the King hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.

Offline bob3160

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1896 on: September 05, 2020, 10:02:05 PM »
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Offline DavidR

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1897 on: September 06, 2020, 12:09:34 AM »


Great, that brought a smile to my face and reminded me of something that happened to me.

I started to notice a rattle in the car, towards the back I thought.  I couldn't track it down, and I tried lots of things over weeks and took the car out for a test drive over poor road surfaces to test. 

Completely emptied the boot (trunk) even in the spare wheel well.  Though it didn't have a spare wheel, just a tyre inflation foam to get you home, even though I had packed that space previously to avoid rattles, etc.

I did up all of the unused seat belts, took everything out of the rear passenger compartment, little storage spaces and still the rattle was there.  I next raised the rear seats to see if there was anything there, nothing.  I made sure the seat was firmly fixed/anchored, made no difference.

Even though I thought that the rattle was coming from the rear, I emptied the glove compartment, storage shelves in the doors and the storage compartment between the front seats, even the ashtray (even though I don't smoke) and still I couldn't find it.

I was at the point where I was considering taking it to the garage when I found it during day light on a rough road I heard the rattle again, but this time I saw what it was, the front passenger sun visor wasn't completely anchored at both ends and I saw it move slightly.  Or my relatively new car could have looked like the image :D
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Offline bob3160

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1898 on: September 06, 2020, 12:09:58 AM »
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Offline CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1899 on: September 09, 2020, 11:59:59 AM »
Hair Removal Advice

An old lady brings her dog to the vet as it seems to be having problems with its hearing.

The vet cleans the dog"s ears and advises her to use hair removal cream on the dog"s ears once a month as a means to reduce build-up and avoid the problem.

The old lady leaves the vet and heads straight to the pharmacist to buy hair removal cream.

The pharmacist says "If you"re using it on your legs, wear a dress for a couple of days to avoid any irritation.
If you"re using it in your arm pits, wear a singlet for a couple of days to avoid any irritation. By the way, where do you intend using the cream?"

"On my schnauser," says the old lady.

The pharmacist replies "In that case, I"d avoid riding a bike for the next week."

Offline bob3160

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1900 on: September 09, 2020, 09:37:22 PM »
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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1901 on: September 12, 2020, 09:11:02 PM »
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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1902 on: September 13, 2020, 04:55:54 PM »
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Offline Pondus

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1903 on: September 18, 2020, 11:48:31 AM »
washing machine stress test   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dq6T5BojXc8



Offline Asyn

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1904 on: September 18, 2020, 12:05:57 PM »
washing machine stress test   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dq6T5BojXc8
Wow, don't try this at home..!! ;D
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