So funny I had to post

[CraigB]

Dear Abby:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me.

Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?

Or should I keep the whole thing to myself because the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom.

[CraigB]

Ooops

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, She asked her son, Little Johnny, to use his own phone ask his daddy who was at work to call her urgently.

After Little Johnny had called, he told mummy that there was a lady that picked up daddy’s phone the three times he tried reaching his daddy on the mobile.

Hearing this, Mom got angry. She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out yelling profanities at him and gave him a slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure. The neighbours were in the garden and shouted across asking what was wrong.

The woman asked Little Johnny to tell everybody that when he phoned his daddy a lady answered each time - it was obvious what had been going on

So Johnny told everyone that the lady had told him :-

"The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please try again later…”

[CraigB]

Caring Golfer

A husband  and wife are on the 9th  green when suddenly she collapses, from a suspected heart attack!

"Help me dear" she groans to her husband.

The husband calls on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks his putter and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and  stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're Putting?"

Don't worry dear says the husband" calmly "they found a doctor on the 2nd hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well how long will it take for him to get here" she asks feebly.

"No time at all" says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through”.

[bob3160]

[bob3160]

[bob3160]

[CraigB]

Mary, Mary Quite Contrary

Paddy's & Mary's marriage was not doing well, eventually Mary took herself off to consult a therapist, Doctor O'Reilly.

The Doctor spent an hour patiently asking all sorts of general questions about their marriage and ticking boxes on assessments. He eventually started to probe her on the intimate side of things;

"Tell me Mary, how often during the average week do you have sex?"

"Well Doctor, it can vary but usually two or three times a week."

"That's very good Mary. When you're having sex how would you describe Paddy's expression?"

"It's not nice Doctor, not nice at all. He looks terrible angry."

"Ah that's very interesting Mary. Tell me, when you're having sex and Paddy has this angry expression what position would he normally be in?"

"Usually stood on top of the ladder looking in through the window ..

[bob3160]

[DavidR]

<snip image>

There was a program on TV some time ago, ICE Road Truckers (I think) and they had a one off series about trucking in the mountains (India I think) and god were there some hairy sections.  Some of the worst were when traffic was coming the other way, there were very few passing places and even then, bloody narrow.

[bob3160]

<snip image>

There was a program on TV some time ago, ICE Road Truckers (I think) and they had a one off series about trucking in the mountains (India I think) and god were there some hairy sections.  Some of the worst were when traffic was coming the other way, there were very few passing places and even then, bloody narrow.

I think this scene might be from South America. I wouldn't have to backup to get to a passing spot.
Currently the only thing I fly is:

It's the piolts chair in my 747 kitchen.

[bob3160]

[CraigB]

Moral - Read All Your Text Messages

A text to a neighbour:
 
Hi, Max. This is Richard, next door. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face.

When you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night, probably much more than you.

I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me. Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.

Richard

*****************************************
 
Max, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. Max then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.
 
 SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:
 
 Hi, Max. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife."

Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.

[CraigB]

Prank Backfires

A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home from golf again decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me." Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband came home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he came into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone. Yeah I know, it is about time. I'm coming round. Put on that sexy French nightie. Can't wait to see you. We'll do all the naughty things you like."

He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed, seething with rage and with tears in her eyes. She grabbed the note to see what he wrote....

"I can see your feet.  We're out of bread; I will be back in five minutes”

[Asyn]

Company forced to change name that could be used to hack websites
https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2020/nov/06/companies-house-forces-business-name-change-to-prevent-security-risk

[bob3160]