So funny I had to post

[DavidR]

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the bloody dog."

In stitches, great start to the day

[CraigB]

Guilty Of Not Being WOKE

In the morning:-

8:00 - I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man/women/person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:45 - TV news crew from BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?   I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe. sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during the pandemic and cold weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices.    My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

By noon the snow persons all melted

Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.

[rocksteady]

@CraigB. Keep them coming. We are all in need of good cheer. Merry Christmas.

[Asyn]

Way too many cookies - Rollin Christmas

[DavidR]

Way too many cookies - Rollin Christmas

Absolutely brilliant - I have just stuffed myself with turkey and stuffing sandwiches yummy - remnants from yesterdays dinner.

I had room for them as I had been out for my regular daily exercise first

I will probably have some mulled wine later

Seasons Greetings and a Happy New Year to one and all.

[CraigB]

10 Points to Ponder as 2020 draws to a close

1. The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

2. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

3. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

4. This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came to my house & told my dog.... We had a good laugh.

5. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pyjamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

6. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

7. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

8. I need to practice social-distancing ....from the refrigerator.

9. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip out to the bins!

10. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go into a bank with a mask on and ask for money.

[bob3160]

This works about as well as sticky notes.

[DavidR]

This works about as well as sticky notes.
<snip image>

Well if your supply of toilet tissue is depleted - this will help with depilation (hair depilation) ouch 

[bob3160]

[bob3160]

Some words of wisdom.

[bob3160]

[CraigB]

Unemployment Benefit

A man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local Job Centre  to pick up his benefit money.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive her around in his brand new Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. Double time will be paid for this service"

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,.............."You're bull-shittin' me right?”

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “

[CraigB]

First Girlfriend

When I took my first girlfriend home to meet my parents, she wasn’t given the warmest of welcomes

After saying hello my Dad pulled me to one side and whispered "you could do better than that son. She's the ugliest fat slobby pig I've ever seen! She must weigh 20 stone. She’s covered in spots, got lips like a cod, got a beard, is cross eyed, got a bald head, size 12 feet and she stinks!!"

I said "there's no need to whisper dad, she's deaf.

[bob3160]

This is very interesting!  
Here is a link for what the Government is going to do for all seniors
for staying home during this crisis.
All seniors are entitled to a grant to stay at home to avoid the spread of COVID-19 Coronavirus
starting on Dec. 1, 2020.   
The Government grant is accessible to all seniors 65 and older.

Check the link below to see what your government has for you...

What the Gov't has for you as a Senior

[DavidR]

This is very interesting!  
Here is a link for what the Government is going to do for all seniors
for staying home during this crisis.
All seniors are entitled to a grant to stay at home to avoid the spread of COVID-19 Coronavirus
starting on Dec. 1, 2020.   
The Government grant is accessible to all seniors 65 and older.

Check the link below to see what your government has for you...

What the Gov't has for you as a Senior

Ha Ha, just what the UK Government is giving to seniors.