Author Topic: Was so funny I had to post  (Read 553683 times)

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Online CraigB

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Was so funny I had to post
« on: September 28, 2011, 06:57:40 PM »
A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer. The effects of the Tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety...?? WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home... I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
 
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Tazer in another. The directions said that: a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. WHAT THE... !!! I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
 
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Tazer, one note of caution: There is NO such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

PS: My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it! If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!
« Last Edit: March 08, 2016, 01:55:59 PM by CraigB »

Offline DavidR

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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #1 on: September 28, 2011, 07:24:56 PM »
I have just dried my eyes and picked myself up of the floor, I really thought the cat was going to get it.

God I have just read the 4th paragraph again and ended up in a coughing fit from laughing. I was totally disabled and no need for the tazer.
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Online CraigB

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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #2 on: September 28, 2011, 07:46:29 PM »
I have just dried my eyes and picked myself up of the floor, I really thought the cat was going to get it.

God I have just read the 4th paragraph again and ended up in a coughing fit from laughing. I was totally disabled and no need for the tazer.
I was the same, i just about coughed up my coffee all over the computer  ;D

Offline Gargamel360

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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #3 on: September 28, 2011, 07:48:35 PM »
R-O-F-L, it probably dumped the whole battery charge into him. ;D

Hope this guy never develops curiosity over how the electrical outlets in his house work. ;D
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Offline DavidR

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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #4 on: September 28, 2011, 07:50:27 PM »
He should have set up the video first, as this would have been a youtube massive viral hit.
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Offline SpeedyPC

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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #5 on: September 28, 2011, 08:08:20 PM »
I nearly wet myself sitting at my chair from laughing so dead hard as a rock and I have to dried my eyes as well, suddenly I nearly knocked my beer off the table at the same bloody time when my bladder was about to go "KABOOM"
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Offline bob3160

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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #6 on: September 28, 2011, 08:25:38 PM »
He should have set up the video first, as this would have been a youtube massive viral hit.
I wonder if the pain is worth a repeat performance ???
Thanks craigb for the laugh.  ;D
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Offline Marc57

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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #7 on: September 28, 2011, 11:02:09 PM »
You Wanted the Best You Got the Best the Hottest Band in the World KISS!!!

Offline drhayden1

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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #8 on: September 28, 2011, 11:33:54 PM »
Garfield wasn't happy you were gonna try that out of one of his fellow cats >:(
SpeedyPC no comment from you is necessary ;D
sorry for the off topic :)
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Offline Jack 1000

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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #9 on: September 29, 2011, 04:09:54 AM »
Love the OP's story!!!!

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Offline Dch48

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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #10 on: September 29, 2011, 04:17:55 AM »
That is hilarious. It's going out to my email contacts immediately.
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Offline bob3160

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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #11 on: September 30, 2011, 01:12:13 AM »
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Online CraigB

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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #12 on: September 30, 2011, 04:34:50 PM »
It couldn't be more true Bob  ;D

Offline Para-Noid

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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #13 on: September 30, 2011, 08:49:59 PM »
I'm not online much, if any, Monday-Thursday.
I haven't laughed that hard for a long time. My sides are hurting and I have to pee.  ;D

Thanks Craig!

ps Is there a link to that. I would love to e-mail it.  :)
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Offline giogio

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Re: Off topic but was so funny i had to post
« Reply #14 on: September 30, 2011, 09:11:21 PM »
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! ;D
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