SO I just to the time to register and tell everyone in this topic that you're awesome because this fix worked. Had a little trouble finding the right x86 SP2 Download but I got it from MS, took control of the servicing folder, replaced it, refreshed my services, started it, ran SFC /Scannow in the CMD with no problem at all, and my computer is FINALLY updating! I BLOODY LOVE YOU!!!
I'm a pretty in-depth windows user and this one had me stumped for a few months now, glad I finally found someone's solution that worked for me.
Thank you gods of technology, I shall be returning here for future problems.