computer funnies

[alpha1]

farmer in the dell,see attached picture.

share your funnies.

[alpha1]

**The "I Love You, But I'm Shy" virus never actually invades your computer but collects data about it worshipfully from afar.

**The "Unrequited Love" virus causes your computer to be so obsessed with a virus that it can never have-that it can no longer function.

**The "Love The One You're With" virus hangs around your computer, but the whole thing is just temporary until it can find the computer that it really wants to invade.

[Pondus]

from Tech support   

http://forums.malwarebytes.org/index.php?showtopic=97887
http://forums.malwarebytes.org/index.php?showtopic=92847

[alpha1]

thank you for those links pondus.

read these:

-The "Can't We Just Be Friends" virus makes your computer think it's interested in invading. Then, just when your computer is getting excited about the invasion, it breaks off the connection with your computer, dashing its hard drive against the rocks.

-The"One Night Stand" virus invades your computer, turns its hard drive upside down, then disappears after promising to come back sometime. But it leaves a twenty in your online bank account.

-The "Happily Married" virus invades only one computer and stays with it for life.

-The"Unhappily Married" virus spends a long time negotiating with a computer, finally invades it, and then strays to other computers from time to time.

-The "I Can't Commit" virus hangs around a computer for a long time and frequently sends messages that it intends to invade, but is really just interested in playing with your computer's data.

-The "It's Just A Physical Thing" virus invades your computer on a regular basis, but no meaningful data is ever exchanged.

-The "I Want A Divorce" virus sends repeated, hard-to-read messages that your computer is never turned on, then finally leaves. But it returns some time later and takes half of your computer's best data in an ugly network session.

[Gargamel360]

Just so you know...if these are not your originals, you should really just provide a link to where you read it, or at the very least provide a link at the end of the post to where you got it from.

[alpha1]

Just so you know...if these are not your originals, you should really just provide a link to where you read it, or at the very least provide a link at the end of the post to where you got it from.

you mean legally,or courtesy?

[Gargamel360]

Depending on the content source, possibly both.

Its not a big deal (typically) but its a good habit to get into to avoid stinky situations I have seen happen on forums before.

[alpha1]

wow,ok,i'll try to remember that.

read:

-The "Little Virus Of The Evening" virus will do anything to yourcomputer--if you're willing to pay the right price.

-The "Stalker" virus spends unnatural amounts of time monitoring your computer, collecting data your computer has thrown away and trying to record its most intimate functions.

-The "Forever Single" virus causes your computer to focus solely on other computers that are totally incompatible with it.

-The "Deadbeat Dad" virus invades your computer, spawns an entirely new database, then refuses to help update it as it grows.

-The "Married Too Long" virus splits your PC into two partitions that never interface, one that does too much online shopping and one that never does anything except monitor ESPN.com.

source:  http://www.scottishwebcamslive.com/virus.htm

[alpha1]

-Tech Support: "Do you have the icon on your desktop?"
Customer: "No. It's a thingy with buttons on the shelf. Um, a modem."
Tech Support: "Yes. I need you to look at the software you are using though. What do you click on?"
Customer: "Oh. Ok."
Tech Support: "What's the name of the icon you use to click on?"
Customer: "The mouse?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-My Friend: "Yesterday, I reprogrammed my computer."
Me: "Okay...."
My Friend: "Not my Mac, but my PC. It has Windows Vista."
Me: "Yes, and what language did you use?"
My Friend: (pause) "English."
Me: "English?"
My Friend: "Yeah, English."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Me: “Okay, so we’re just going to need your phone number before I can go any further.”
Caller: “Okay, it’s **** ****.”
Me: “…and your area code?”
Caller: “Huh?”
Me: “What state are you in?”
Caller: “Say again?”
Me: “What state?”
Caller: “Sober?”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Boss's fast new CD burner needs the right media, so tech assistant asks the office secretary to order some recordable CDs rated at 40X.
"Imagine my surprise later in the day," assistant groans, "to hear the water-cooler discussion about my trying to acquire 40 X-rated CDs for my department!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-I can't connect with the network, remote user tells help desk.
"After several minutes of troubleshooting, it was clear that the problem was the user's modem, which basically died," tech reports.
Impatient user's next question: "Where can I download another modem?"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Caller: “Hi, I think there’s a bug on your website. I can’t log into my account”
Me: “Okay, that may be a bug. Let me get some basic information from you. What internet browser are you using?”
Caller: “What’s a browser?”
Me: “That’s what you use to surf the Internet. Popular browsers are Internet Explorer and Firefox.”
Caller: “Oh. I think I’m using Yahoo.”
Me: “That’s a search engine.
Caller: “Ask.com?”
Me: “That’s another search engine. I need to know what browser you use to get to that website.”
Caller: “Oh, I think I know what you mean. I’m using Hotmail.”
(This goes on for about 10 minutes. Eventually, we locate the bug. While I’m writing up the report, I’m making small-talk with the customer.)
Me: “You said you’re in college? What do you study?”
Caller: “Computer science. I’m really good at it!”


i handpicked these from pondus' links.

[bob3160]

i handpicked these from pondus' links.

Totally unnecessary since they are available simply by following his link.
But, I guess this gives you credit for another post....  

[alpha1]

i handpicked these from pondus' links.

Totally unnecessary since they are available simply by following his link.
But, I guess this gives you credit for another post....  

i really dont know what your problem is bob,the point was me choosing "only some" of what was in those links,the ones i thought were best,which results to two things: 1-people dont have to read the entire pages of the respective links,which are somewhat long.
2-they dont have to leave the forum (or even the page) to read.

unfortunately some people just seem to be professional "disagree-ers",and just go around disagreeing and criticizing.

[bob3160]

unfortunately some people just seem to be professional "disagree-ers",and just go around disagreeing and criticizing.

If nothing else, you are entitled to your opinion and you do seem to have many. 

[SpeedyPC]

                                                                                                           

[Marc57]

[alpha1]

*AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

*MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

*Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic micro organism.”

*Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

*Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

*New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

*Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

*Texas virus: Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.

*Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

*Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

*Airline virus: You’re in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

*Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.

*Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

*Ollie North virus: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

*Nike virus: Just does it.

*Sears virus: Your data won’t appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

*Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

*Imelda Marcos virus: Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

*Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

*Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

source:   http://thedirty30sclub.com/blog/tag/funny-jokes-about-computer-virus/