Author Topic: So funny I had to post  (Read 639172 times)

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Offline bob3160

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1650 on: July 03, 2017, 08:04:44 PM »
Those permits may no longer be needed under the current administration..... :) :) :)
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Offline SpeedyPC

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1651 on: July 20, 2017, 12:37:13 PM »
T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already
inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her

biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'
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Offline bob3160

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1652 on: July 20, 2017, 02:38:53 PM »
 :)
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Offline bob3160

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1653 on: July 22, 2017, 02:44:29 PM »

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.  She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.   "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch.
How much will you charge me?"   Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.   The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"   "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."   A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.   "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.   "Yes," the blonde replied, “and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats.
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.   
"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
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Offline ehmen

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1654 on: July 24, 2017, 03:43:37 AM »

Offline CraigB

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1655 on: July 24, 2017, 08:03:24 PM »
A BLONDE'S DIARY

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight and nearly strangled me. 

February 
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....
Helllloooo!!!........ bottles won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited..... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....
Box said '2-4 years!'

April 
Trapped on escalator for hours ...
Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid..... wrong instructions....
8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! 

June
Tried to go water skiing.......
Couldn't find a lake with a slope. 

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....
Learned later that the other swimmers cheated - they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....
Darn car filled up with water because the convertible top was open.

September 
The capital of California is 'C'..... isn't it???   

October
I hate M & M's..... They are so hard to peel. 

November     
Couldn't call 911.
'Duh'..... there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
 
December
Baked Christmas turkey for 3 days. It was burnt to a crisp.
I followed the instructions which said bake 1 hour per Kilo and I weigh 72 kg! 

Offline Asyn

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1656 on: July 25, 2017, 05:58:29 AM »
;D 8)
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Offline Pondus

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« Last Edit: July 25, 2017, 04:21:40 PM by Pondus »

Offline mchain

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1658 on: July 25, 2017, 05:11:17 PM »
 8) 8) 8)
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Offline DavidR

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1659 on: July 25, 2017, 06:01:17 PM »
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Offline CraigB

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1660 on: July 31, 2017, 08:52:51 PM »
"Hello, and thank you for calling the mental health hotline. To enable us to direct your call to the appropriate helper, please choose one of the following options on your keypad :-

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

Offline bob3160

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1661 on: August 04, 2017, 04:06:42 PM »
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Offline CraigB

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1662 on: August 08, 2017, 10:07:05 PM »
A little boy turned to his grandpa and said "grandpa talk like a frog."

The Grandpa replied "What, I'm not going to talk like a frog."

The little boy again asked "come on Grandpa talk like a frog please."

Grandpa again said "No, Go bother your grandmother."

The little boy finally gave up and left.

A little while later the little boys sister came in and said "Grandpa will you talk like a frog for me."

Grandpa of course replied "NO."

The little girl then said "Please grandpa will you talk just like a frog"?

Grandpa was very disturbed by now and said "what is with you and your brother, why in the world do you want me to talk like a frog"?

The little girl looked at her grandpa and said "Well last night daddy told us that when you croak we are all going for a fabulous holiday to Disney World."

Offline CraigB

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1663 on: August 08, 2017, 10:10:39 PM »
A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar getting soused.

A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
 
Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my goat milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So what happened then?

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.

Man: Again?

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
 
Man: So, what did you do then?

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.

Man: and then?

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid goat knocked over the bucket with her tail.

Man: Hmmm...

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

Man: So, what did you do?

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in..... Some things you just can't explain

Offline bob3160

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1664 on: August 08, 2017, 10:12:27 PM »
:) :) :)
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