Author Topic: Was so funny I had to post  (Read 553638 times)

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Offline CraigB

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1710 on: March 21, 2018, 07:57:36 PM »
President Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
 
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
 
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the world made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
 
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald.... duck!”

Offline bob3160

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1711 on: March 22, 2018, 04:05:52 AM »
President Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
 
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
 
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the world made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
 
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout Donald.... duck!”
:)
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Offline Michael (alan1998)

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1712 on: March 28, 2018, 05:20:39 PM »
https://imgur.com/a/eX020

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Offline bob3160

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1713 on: April 06, 2018, 12:19:44 AM »
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Offline bob3160

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1714 on: April 19, 2018, 05:58:18 PM »
Some personal observations:

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 77 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $4,000 per month.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.
I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing...
I joined a health club last year, spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there!
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say, 'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
AND
Every time I start thinking too much about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
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Chief Wiggum: Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2.


Offline Para-Noid

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1716 on: May 12, 2018, 04:58:49 PM »
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Offline bob3160

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1718 on: May 18, 2018, 11:35:52 PM »
This is how we announce lunch is served at our Senior Center.
https://youtu.be/3jZ_yIEK44Y
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Offline Asyn

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1719 on: May 28, 2018, 02:27:50 PM »
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Offline bob3160

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1720 on: May 28, 2018, 03:17:33 PM »
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Offline CraigB

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1721 on: August 19, 2018, 08:26:04 PM »
There hasn’t been any posts here for some time so let’s bring it back ;D

Being considerate!!!

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should show consideration by not making an issue of it.

Let me relate how I handle the situation.............

When I took early retirement, it became necessary for my wife to get a full-time job for the extra income and future pension benefits that we need. She was a professional secretary and personal assistant when we met thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local social security offices in the typing pool from 8 till 6 each day.

It was shortly after she started working at this job that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from fishing or golf about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts to get the dinner. I try not to moan when this happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me when she finally does get the dinner on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for a couple of hours after dinner. I do help by reminding her several times each evening during the TV commercials that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to encourage her get them done before she goes to bed.

Our clothes airing cupboard is on the first floor landing. When she was younger, she used to be able to go up and down the stairs several times a day and not get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip up and down the stairs to collect the laundry to be ironed. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes the ironing the next evening - I am willing to overlook it. I tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing unless I need a clean shirt to wear to the Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that.

This gives her more time to do some of the other chores - like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting. Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, she can gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.

For some reason she is starting to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she said she had to take a break when she was only half finished weeding the garden, pruning the hedges and mowing the lawns. I overlook comments like these because I realise it's just age talking. In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me or get me a beer and take her break by the hammock so she can rock it and talk to me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from. I realise that I probably look like a saint in the way I support her on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult, some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest that you make the effort.

I realize that achieving the exemplary levels of kindness and consideration that I have attained is out of reach for the average man. However guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.

Offline mchain

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1722 on: August 23, 2018, 12:36:57 AM »
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Offline CraigB

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1723 on: August 31, 2018, 10:03:25 AM »
Golf Panties....

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'


Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie!  Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?'  She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.'

Offline CraigB

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Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1724 on: October 09, 2018, 08:36:03 AM »
The New Chinese Immigrant

Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He buys a small piece of land near Mt Isa.

A few days after he moves in a friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go along and welcome the new guy to the region.

He goes next door but on his way up the driveway he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 chickens.

Not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for a day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.

Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.

A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull down the driveway, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says “Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after chickens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that bull's bum, it could just about shit on you.”

The Chinese man is very taken back and says “Sorry sir, you no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian Customs.”

'What do you mean, mate,” says the Aussie, “those aren't Australian customs.”

”Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me,” replied the Chinese man, He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bullshit.