Author Topic: Was so funny I had to post  (Read 515937 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline CraigB

  • Avast Überevangelist
  • Serious Graphoman
  • *****
  • Posts: 10850
  • No support PM's thanks
Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1740 on: January 02, 2019, 08:36:39 AM »
How many chances

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a “Blondes Are Not Stupid” Convention. The leader says, “We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?”

A blonde carefully works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, “What is 15 plus 15?”

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, “Eighteen!”

Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”

The leader says, “Well since we’ve gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, uh, I guess we can give her another chance.”

So he asks, “What is 5 plus 5?”

After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, “Ninety?”

The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened – the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, “GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!”

The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, “OK! OK! Just one more chance – what is 2 plus 2?”

The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, “Four?”

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream…

“Give her another chance! Give her another chance!”

Offline CraigB

  • Avast Überevangelist
  • Serious Graphoman
  • *****
  • Posts: 10850
  • No support PM's thanks
Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1741 on: January 02, 2019, 08:38:20 AM »
NEVER WAX YOUR HOO-HA

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless hair removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now....the wax.

Read on..........

Her night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home and fix dinner for herself, watch TV or read a book then go to bed for a well-earned rest.

She then had the thought that would ring painfully in her mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should get the waxing kit from the medicine cabinet' she muttered to herself. So she headed to the site of her imminent demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?

She was aware she was not a genius, but mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!) So she pulled one of the thin strips out. It was two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, her genius kicked in and she grabbed the hair dryer and heated it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!), She laid the strip across her thigh. Held the skin around it tight and pulled.

It worked!  She was chuffed with herself – it was easy peasy.

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. She can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes her - after all she is She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With the next wax strip she moved north to participate in the ultimate intimate hair fighting championship. She removed her panties and placed one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, she applied the wax strip across the right side of her bikini line, covering the right half of her hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of her butt cheek (it was a long strip).

She I inhaled deeply and braced herself.... RRRRIIIIIIPPP!!!!

She's blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!..... OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!she screamed
Vision returning, she noticed that she had only managed to rip off half the strip.

CRAP!

Another deep breath and RIIIIPPPPPPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. She thinks she may pass out.... but summoned everything she'd got to stay conscious.... In her head she hears crashing drums and whistling???  She steadies herself and breathed deeply, breathed.... until nearly back to normal.

She had an urge to see her trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused her so much pain, with her hairy pelt sticking to it. She yearned to revel in the glory that is her triumph over body hair. She braced herself and held up the strip!

There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? OH GORD! WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly she eased her head down, foot still perched on the toilet. She can see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip... it's not! She touches it… OH HELL....she is touching wax. She runs her fingers over the most sensitive part of her body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then she makes the next BIG mistake ... her one foot is still propped up on the toilet? So she put it down on the floor.

Sealed shut! her butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut! She penguin walked around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and thinks to her herself 'Please don't let me get the urge to go to the toilet...her head would surely pop off!'

What can I do to melt the wax? she wonders, then has a brainwave.

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! Salvation has arrived - so she ran the hottest water she could tolerate in the bathtub, thinking all it needs is for her to get in and immerse her wax-covered bits and that the wax would melt and she could gently wipe it off, right Huh?

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

She gets in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - but needs must - and she sat down.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub.....in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, does not melt cold wax.

So, she's now stuck to the bottom of the tub as though she had cemented herself to it!!

God bless the man who had convinced her a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!! She managed to reach it and called her closest friend, thinking that her friend had probably waxed before and would have some secret of how to get her undone. It was a very good conversation starter.

She blurts out "'My butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

There is a pause, and deafening silence, broken by hysterical laughter from her friend. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does eventually try to hide her laughter. She wanted to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking bum cheeks or hoo-ha". The poor victim answers "Both", which produces another fit of hysterics.

Her friend finally suggests that if she can reach it - she calls the advice number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!! Right!! Do that and be the joke of someone else's night and probably make the newspapers – or even worse – bloody Facebook.

While they went through various solutions, she resorted to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and she's pretty sure she's going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counselling for this event.

Undeterred by the brainwaves that got her into this situation - she uses the long handled back scrubber to knock the wax kit box off the wash basin and onto the floor - and scraped it across within reach. Perhaps there is a leaflet in the box that might help.

There is no leaflet – but in the box she finds her saving grace - a bottle of lotion to remove the excess wax. What does she really have to lose at this point?. So she rubs some on and OH MY GOD!!! The scream probably woke the neighbours and scared the dickens out of her friend. It's sooo painful, but by now she didn't really care.

'IT WORKED!!

She got hearty congratulations from her giggling friend and hung up the phone.

She successfully removed the remainder of the wax and then noticed to her total grief and despair....THE HAIR WAS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! After the treatment her pelt had gone through - it resembled a drowned and bedraggled pussy. A thought she thought rather appropriate.

So she recklessly shaved it off. Heck, she was numb by now. Nothing hurt. She could have amputated her own leg at this point.

She then staggered back to the kitchen and raided the fridge for a bottle of wine.

After a couple of glasses – she had yet another brainwave. Next week she will try dying her hair ......how bad could that possibly turn out???

Some people never learn.

Offline bob3160

  • Avast Überevangelist
  • Probably Bot
  • *****
  • Posts: 40127
  • 59 Years of Happiness
    • bob3160 Protecting Yourself, Your Computer and, Your Identity
Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1742 on: January 08, 2019, 11:07:10 AM »

The Geico commercials are apparently followed by some viewers.
This should make their Ad department very happy.
(My nephew's dog is fascinated by some things that appear on TV.)
Free avast! Security Seminar: https://goo.gl/kh3cqR  -  Important: http://www.organdonor.gov/ -- My Web Site: http://bob3160.strikingly.com/ - Win 10 Pro v1809 64bit, 8 Gig Ram, AvastFree 19.2.2364, WinPatrol, Unchecky How to Successfully Install Avast http://goo.gl/VLXdeRepair & Clean Install https://goo.gl/t7aJGq

Offline bob3160

  • Avast Überevangelist
  • Probably Bot
  • *****
  • Posts: 40127
  • 59 Years of Happiness
    • bob3160 Protecting Yourself, Your Computer and, Your Identity
Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1743 on: January 12, 2019, 02:10:46 PM »
Something to think about
the next time you visit your shrink.


Free avast! Security Seminar: https://goo.gl/kh3cqR  -  Important: http://www.organdonor.gov/ -- My Web Site: http://bob3160.strikingly.com/ - Win 10 Pro v1809 64bit, 8 Gig Ram, AvastFree 19.2.2364, WinPatrol, Unchecky How to Successfully Install Avast http://goo.gl/VLXdeRepair & Clean Install https://goo.gl/t7aJGq

Offline bob3160

  • Avast Überevangelist
  • Probably Bot
  • *****
  • Posts: 40127
  • 59 Years of Happiness
    • bob3160 Protecting Yourself, Your Computer and, Your Identity
Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1744 on: January 18, 2019, 06:24:49 PM »
Some folks don't seem to care about the Government Shutdown. :)



Free avast! Security Seminar: https://goo.gl/kh3cqR  -  Important: http://www.organdonor.gov/ -- My Web Site: http://bob3160.strikingly.com/ - Win 10 Pro v1809 64bit, 8 Gig Ram, AvastFree 19.2.2364, WinPatrol, Unchecky How to Successfully Install Avast http://goo.gl/VLXdeRepair & Clean Install https://goo.gl/t7aJGq

Offline SpeedyPC

  • Avast Evangelist
  • Massive Poster
  • ***
  • Posts: 3203
  • Avast shall conquer the whole world
Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1745 on: January 19, 2019, 03:49:50 AM »
Some folks don't seem to care about the Government Shutdown. :)


Maybe you’ll still love Donald Duck because nobody cares about the Government shutdowns, because there trying to get them to love the Great Wall of America
« Last Edit: January 19, 2019, 03:51:24 AM by SpeedyPC »
ASUS G75VX-T4153H - Avast Premier v19.3.2369 - W8.1 64bit - Avast Secure Browser - Firefox 64bit - Thunderbird - MBAM Premium - Adguard Premium - CryptoPrevent Premium - Privacy Eraser - MCShield - WinPatrol PLUS - Macrium Reflect Home Edition

Offline alanb

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 275
Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1746 on: March 08, 2019, 11:12:28 AM »
For dog lovers everywhere...

Still ageing after all these years...

Offline Pondus

  • Avast Überevangelist
  • Probably Bot
  • *****
  • Posts: 35472
Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1747 on: March 08, 2019, 04:14:59 PM »
There is a town in Austria with the name ......   

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fucking,_Austria

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bawmxQE_Fj0   ;D   ;D





Chief Wiggum: Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2.


Offline bob3160

  • Avast Überevangelist
  • Probably Bot
  • *****
  • Posts: 40127
  • 59 Years of Happiness
    • bob3160 Protecting Yourself, Your Computer and, Your Identity
Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1748 on: March 09, 2019, 11:44:08 PM »

Free avast! Security Seminar: https://goo.gl/kh3cqR  -  Important: http://www.organdonor.gov/ -- My Web Site: http://bob3160.strikingly.com/ - Win 10 Pro v1809 64bit, 8 Gig Ram, AvastFree 19.2.2364, WinPatrol, Unchecky How to Successfully Install Avast http://goo.gl/VLXdeRepair & Clean Install https://goo.gl/t7aJGq

Offline SpeedyPC

  • Avast Evangelist
  • Massive Poster
  • ***
  • Posts: 3203
  • Avast shall conquer the whole world
Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1749 on: March 10, 2019, 09:55:34 AM »
ASUS G75VX-T4153H - Avast Premier v19.3.2369 - W8.1 64bit - Avast Secure Browser - Firefox 64bit - Thunderbird - MBAM Premium - Adguard Premium - CryptoPrevent Premium - Privacy Eraser - MCShield - WinPatrol PLUS - Macrium Reflect Home Edition

Offline DavidR

  • Avast Überevangelist
  • Certainly Bot
  • *****
  • Posts: 81004
  • No support PMs thanks
Re: Was so funny I had to post
« Reply #1750 on: March 10, 2019, 11:08:04 AM »



What a dipstick.
A colloquialism for stupid in the UK.  Often heard in the TV program Only Fools & Horses.
WinXP ProSP3/ Core2Duo E8300/ 4GB Ram/ avast! free 18.5.2342/ Firefox ESR, uBlock Origin, uMatrix/ MailWasher Pro7.11.0/ DropMyRights/ WinPatrol+/ Drive Image 7.1/ SnagIt 10.0/ avast! mobile security
Windows 10 Home 64bit/ Acer Aspire F15/ Intel Core i5 7200U 2.5GHz, 8GB DDR4 memory, 256GB SSD, 1TB HDD/ avast! free 19.2.2364/ WinPatrol+/ Firefox, uBlock Origin, uMatrix/ MailWasher Pro7.11.0/ WinPatrol+/