Author Topic: So funny I had to post  (Read 984135 times)

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Offline bob3160

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1800 on: March 29, 2020, 02:43:45 PM »
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
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Offline DavidR

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1801 on: March 29, 2020, 05:31:24 PM »
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.

I was thinking more along the lines of, so he didn't drop his ball5.
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Offline CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1802 on: March 29, 2020, 10:25:10 PM »
WISE ITALIAN GRANDFATHER

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ...38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a
home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?

Offline CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1803 on: March 30, 2020, 03:46:42 PM »
Caring Hubbie

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office.

When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time.

Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn and dig over the vegetable patch."

Offline rocksteady

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1804 on: March 30, 2020, 06:08:44 PM »
Keep them coming Craig!

Offline CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1805 on: April 07, 2020, 07:50:08 AM »
A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
I do not have a headache;
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.'
It worked! The headaches are all gone."
"Well, that is wonderful," replies the husband.
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"
The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back."
He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my wife".
"She's not my wife".
"She's not my wife".

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

Offline CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1806 on: April 20, 2020, 12:21:35 PM »
Bears and Religion

Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee.
Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Bible.
Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.'

 Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip. 'I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible! But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill, until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.

 The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him.

 The Rabbi looked up and said:
"Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start ".

Offline CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1807 on: April 21, 2020, 01:50:36 PM »
Dental appointment

A Glasgow man phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.
85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.
85 quid! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"
That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock £15 pounds off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?"
I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop by £20 pounds."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"
It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you £5 pounds but it will be traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman.

"Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

Offline CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1808 on: April 22, 2020, 12:13:42 PM »
Stop, start issues...

During sex, Paddy suddenly stops and remains motionless.
He then starts again and after some time stops, to remain motionless once again.
This goes on for quite some time.
His wife: “What the hell are you doing???”
Paddy: “I've seen this new technique on an internet porn site... It's called 'Buffering!!..

Offline bob3160

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1809 on: April 22, 2020, 03:43:22 PM »
Stop, start issues...

During sex, Paddy suddenly stops and remains motionless.
He then starts again and after some time stops, to remain motionless once again.
This goes on for quite some time.
His wife: “What the hell are you doing???”
Paddy: “I've seen this new technique on an internet porn site... It's called 'Buffering!!..
Wife is currently filing divorce proceedings due to insufficient Ram.
 
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Offline CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1810 on: April 23, 2020, 02:08:08 PM »
Stop, start issues...

During sex, Paddy suddenly stops and remains motionless.
He then starts again and after some time stops, to remain motionless once again.
This goes on for quite some time.
His wife: “What the hell are you doing???”
Paddy: “I've seen this new technique on an internet porn site... It's called 'Buffering!!..
Wife is currently filing divorce proceedings due to insufficient Ram.
;D

Problems with his Hard Disk I presume :) 

Offline bob3160

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1811 on: April 27, 2020, 03:05:20 PM »
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Offline bob3160

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1812 on: April 30, 2020, 03:00:12 PM »
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Offline alanb

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1813 on: April 30, 2020, 06:33:14 PM »
Excellent  ;D ;D

BTW Bob, how do you find so many pictures of my wife?

As for the holiday snap that makes her look like the back-end of a chicken with sunglasses on - I didn't know she'd even been to New Mexico!

Offline bob3160

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1814 on: April 30, 2020, 07:28:42 PM »
Excellent  ;D ;D

BTW Bob, how do you find so many pictures of my wife?

As for the holiday snap that makes her look like the back-end of a chicken with sunglasses on - I didn't know she'd even been to New Mexico!
I guess she's not sharing everything with you. :)
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