Author Topic: So funny I had to post  (Read 689731 times)

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Offline bob3160

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1980 on: March 12, 2021, 11:09:27 PM »
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Offline CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1981 on: April 18, 2021, 09:12:51 PM »
Gut vs Balls

There is a psychological distinction between Guts and Balls.

We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls. Do they, however, know the difference between them?

Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Psychology Dictionary: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby".

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Psychologically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1982 on: May 03, 2021, 09:01:49 PM »
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Offline bob3160

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1983 on: May 06, 2021, 01:36:44 PM »
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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1984 on: May 06, 2021, 01:39:45 PM »
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Offline Pondus

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1985 on: May 07, 2021, 11:26:52 AM »

Offline CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1986 on: May 09, 2021, 11:51:11 AM »
Us Oldies Are Responsible For Rubbishing The Environment

WOW! - HOW THE "GREY HAIRED" HAVE DESTROYED OUR PLANET

Checking out at the supermarket, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman that reusable grocery bags were a good idea as plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this 'green thing back in my earlier days."

The young cashier responded, "That's Our problem today - your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations.”

She was right — our generation didn't have the 'green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, lemonade bottles and beer bottles to the shop.
The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.
But we didn't have the "green thing" back in our day.

Grocery shops bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we re-used for numerous things, most memorable besides household bags for rubbish, was the use of brown paper bags as book covers for our schoolbooks.
This was to ensure that public property (the books provided for our use by the school), was not defaced by our scribbling. Then we were able to personalize our books on the brown paper bags.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have a lift in every supermarket, shop and office building.

We walked to the local shop and didn't climb into a 300 horsepower machine every time we had to go half a mile.

Back then, we washed the baby's Terry Toweling nappies because we didn't have the throw away kind.

We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine burning up 3 kilowatts — wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days.

Kids had hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

Back then, we had one radio or TV in the house - not a TV in every room and the TV had a small screen the size of a big handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of Arran In the kitchen.

We blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We pushed the mower that ran on human power.

We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the "green thing" back then.

We drank from a tap or fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.

We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

Back then, people took the bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their Mums into a 24-hour taxi service in the family's £40,000 People Carrier which cost the same as a whole house did before the "green thing."

We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances and we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 23,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pub!

But isn't it sad that some of the current generation lament how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the "green thing" back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smart arsed young person...

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off...especially when the “advice” is being offered by a tattooed, multiple pierced smartarse who can't work out the change without the cash register telling them how much it is!

RANT OVER!!!!!
« Last Edit: May 09, 2021, 11:53:11 AM by CraigB »

Offline bob3160

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1987 on: May 18, 2021, 09:51:29 PM »
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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1988 on: May 18, 2021, 09:53:39 PM »
@Craig, HOW THE "GREY HAIRED" HAVE DESTROYED OUR PLANET
https://youtu.be/fTtPXFPIHpc
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Offline CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1989 on: May 21, 2021, 12:11:29 PM »
Men Are Happier People

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress - $5,000. Tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the lightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes - one colour for all seasons You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th -- in 25 minutes flat.

No wonder men are happier!

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has 6 items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing! So, send this to the women who have a sense of humour .... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Offline CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1990 on: May 24, 2021, 10:54:39 AM »
Military Outpost

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was surprised, if not shocked, to meet a hunched, toothless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, with warts all over his face, three strands of hair on his head and ears a spaniel would envy - a particularly unattractive man less than four foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honour's from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar and three DSO's after 12 months of expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won Gold Medals in the middleweight division boxing, archery gold, wrestling and a 2 golds in the Olympic games. I have researched the history of.............................."

Here the Colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, man never mind that! Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to "Go screw himself!!"

Offline CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1991 on: May 25, 2021, 06:15:33 PM »
Middle East Repercussions

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in the Middle East and Belarus - they have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
 
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
 
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
 

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
 
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."
 
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
 
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
 
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Offline bob3160

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1992 on: May 26, 2021, 03:59:24 PM »
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Offline alanb

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1993 on: May 26, 2021, 04:46:33 PM »
Courtesy of MajorGeeks

Offline DavidR

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1994 on: May 26, 2021, 06:55:31 PM »
Courtesy of MajorGeeks

Not long, but a very strange way to ship a mirror.  That could be 14 years bad luck, 7 years each.  Could play merry hell with speed cameras.
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