Author Topic: So funny I had to post  (Read 658347 times)

0 Members and 2 Guests are viewing this topic.

Online DavidR

  • Avast Überevangelist
  • Certainly Bot
  • *****
  • Posts: 84619
  • No support PMs thanks
Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1935 on: December 24, 2020, 12:01:21 PM »
Quote from: CraigB
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the bloody dog."

In stitches, great start to the day :)
Windows 10 Home 2004 64bit/ Acer Aspire F15/ Intel Core i5 7200U 2.5GHz, 8GB DDR4 memory, 256GB SSD, 1TB HDD/ avast! free 21.1.2449 (build 21.1.5968.561) UI-1.0.597/ WinPatrol+/ Firefox, uBlock Origin, uMatrix/ MailWasher Pro/ Avast! Mobile Security

Offline CraigB

  • Avast Überevangelist
  • Serious Graphoman
  • *****
  • Posts: 11077
  • No support PM's thanks
Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1936 on: December 24, 2020, 05:02:35 PM »
Guilty Of Not Being WOKE

In the morning:-

8:00 - I made a snowman.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
8:17 - My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
8:22 - The transgender man/women/person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
8:31 - The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up .
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended.
8:42 - The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
8:45 - TV news crew from BBC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?   I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe. sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during the pandemic and cold weather.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices.    My children were taken by social services.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested.

By noon the snow persons all melted

Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes.

Offline rocksteady

  • Advanced Poster
  • **
  • Posts: 1034
Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1937 on: December 25, 2020, 12:06:22 PM »
@CraigB. Keep them coming. We are all in need of good cheer. Merry Christmas.

Offline Asyn

  • Avast Überevangelist
  • Certainly Bot
  • *****
  • Posts: 69443
    • >>>  Avast Forum - Deutschsprachiger Bereich  <<<
Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1938 on: December 26, 2020, 02:26:57 PM »
Win 8.1 [x64] - Avast PremSec 21.2.2453.Beta#4 [UI.601] - EEK - Firefox ESR 78.8 [NS/uBO/PB] - TB 78.8
Avast-Tools: Secure Browser 88.2 - Cleanup P 21.1 - SecureLine 5.9 - Driver Updater 21.1 - CCleaner 5.77
Avast Wissenswertes (Downloads, Anleitungen & Infos): https://forum.avast.com/index.php?topic=60523.0

Online DavidR

  • Avast Überevangelist
  • Certainly Bot
  • *****
  • Posts: 84619
  • No support PMs thanks
Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1939 on: December 26, 2020, 04:16:57 PM »
Way too many cookies - Rollin Christmas

Absolutely brilliant - I have just stuffed myself with turkey and stuffing sandwiches yummy - remnants from yesterdays dinner.

I had room for them as I had been out for my regular daily exercise first :)

I will probably have some mulled wine later ;)

Seasons Greetings and a Happy New Year to one and all.
Windows 10 Home 2004 64bit/ Acer Aspire F15/ Intel Core i5 7200U 2.5GHz, 8GB DDR4 memory, 256GB SSD, 1TB HDD/ avast! free 21.1.2449 (build 21.1.5968.561) UI-1.0.597/ WinPatrol+/ Firefox, uBlock Origin, uMatrix/ MailWasher Pro/ Avast! Mobile Security

Offline CraigB

  • Avast Überevangelist
  • Serious Graphoman
  • *****
  • Posts: 11077
  • No support PM's thanks
Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1940 on: December 27, 2020, 01:16:27 PM »
10 Points to Ponder as 2020 draws to a close

1. The dumbest thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

2. 2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

3. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house & their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

4. This morning I saw a neighbour talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came to my house & told my dog.... We had a good laugh.

5. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pyjamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

6. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands?

7. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

8. I need to practice social-distancing ....from the refrigerator.

9. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip out to the bins!

10. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go into a bank with a mask on and ask for money.

Offline bob3160

  • Avast Überevangelist
  • Probably Bot
  • *****
  • Posts: 44967
  • 61 Years of Happiness
    • bob3160 Protecting Yourself, Your Computer and, Your Identity
Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1941 on: January 06, 2021, 05:30:01 PM »
This works about as well as sticky notes.
Free avast! Security Seminar: http://bit.ly/2N1eaR2  -  Important: http://www.organdonor.gov/ -- My Web Site: http://bob3160.strikingly.com/ - Win 10 Pro v20H2 64bit, 24 Gig Ram, 1TB SSD, AvastOmni 20.7.xxx, How to Successfully Install Avast http://goo.gl/VLXdeRepair & Clean Install https://goo.gl/t7aJGq

Online DavidR

  • Avast Überevangelist
  • Certainly Bot
  • *****
  • Posts: 84619
  • No support PMs thanks
Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1942 on: January 06, 2021, 07:11:16 PM »
This works about as well as sticky notes.
<snip image>

Well if your supply of toilet tissue is depleted - this will help with depilation (hair depilation) ouch  :'(

Windows 10 Home 2004 64bit/ Acer Aspire F15/ Intel Core i5 7200U 2.5GHz, 8GB DDR4 memory, 256GB SSD, 1TB HDD/ avast! free 21.1.2449 (build 21.1.5968.561) UI-1.0.597/ WinPatrol+/ Firefox, uBlock Origin, uMatrix/ MailWasher Pro/ Avast! Mobile Security

Offline bob3160

  • Avast Überevangelist
  • Probably Bot
  • *****
  • Posts: 44967
  • 61 Years of Happiness
    • bob3160 Protecting Yourself, Your Computer and, Your Identity
Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1943 on: January 06, 2021, 08:12:05 PM »
Free avast! Security Seminar: http://bit.ly/2N1eaR2  -  Important: http://www.organdonor.gov/ -- My Web Site: http://bob3160.strikingly.com/ - Win 10 Pro v20H2 64bit, 24 Gig Ram, 1TB SSD, AvastOmni 20.7.xxx, How to Successfully Install Avast http://goo.gl/VLXdeRepair & Clean Install https://goo.gl/t7aJGq

Offline bob3160

  • Avast Überevangelist
  • Probably Bot
  • *****
  • Posts: 44967
  • 61 Years of Happiness
    • bob3160 Protecting Yourself, Your Computer and, Your Identity
Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1944 on: January 07, 2021, 08:37:31 PM »
Some words of wisdom.
Free avast! Security Seminar: http://bit.ly/2N1eaR2  -  Important: http://www.organdonor.gov/ -- My Web Site: http://bob3160.strikingly.com/ - Win 10 Pro v20H2 64bit, 24 Gig Ram, 1TB SSD, AvastOmni 20.7.xxx, How to Successfully Install Avast http://goo.gl/VLXdeRepair & Clean Install https://goo.gl/t7aJGq

Offline bob3160

  • Avast Überevangelist
  • Probably Bot
  • *****
  • Posts: 44967
  • 61 Years of Happiness
    • bob3160 Protecting Yourself, Your Computer and, Your Identity
Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1945 on: January 10, 2021, 04:03:45 PM »
Free avast! Security Seminar: http://bit.ly/2N1eaR2  -  Important: http://www.organdonor.gov/ -- My Web Site: http://bob3160.strikingly.com/ - Win 10 Pro v20H2 64bit, 24 Gig Ram, 1TB SSD, AvastOmni 20.7.xxx, How to Successfully Install Avast http://goo.gl/VLXdeRepair & Clean Install https://goo.gl/t7aJGq

Offline CraigB

  • Avast Überevangelist
  • Serious Graphoman
  • *****
  • Posts: 11077
  • No support PM's thanks
Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1946 on: January 11, 2021, 04:01:49 AM »
Unemployment Benefit

A man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local Job Centre  to pick up his benefit money.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive her around in his brand new Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. Double time will be paid for this service"

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,.............."You're bull-shittin' me right?”

The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “

Offline CraigB

  • Avast Überevangelist
  • Serious Graphoman
  • *****
  • Posts: 11077
  • No support PM's thanks
Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1947 on: January 11, 2021, 04:03:59 AM »
First Girlfriend

When I took my first girlfriend home to meet my parents, she wasn’t given the warmest of welcomes

After saying hello my Dad pulled me to one side and whispered "you could do better than that son. She's the ugliest fat slobby pig I've ever seen! She must weigh 20 stone. She’s covered in spots, got lips like a cod, got a beard, is cross eyed, got a bald head, size 12 feet and she stinks!!"

I said "there's no need to whisper dad, she's deaf.

Offline bob3160

  • Avast Überevangelist
  • Probably Bot
  • *****
  • Posts: 44967
  • 61 Years of Happiness
    • bob3160 Protecting Yourself, Your Computer and, Your Identity
Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1948 on: January 14, 2021, 10:59:17 PM »

This is very interesting!  
Here is a link for what the Government is going to do for all seniors
for staying home during this crisis.
All seniors are entitled to a grant to stay at home to avoid the spread of COVID-19 Coronavirus
starting on Dec. 1, 2020.   
The Government grant is accessible to all seniors 65 and older.

Check the link below to see what your government has for you...

What the Gov't has for you as a Senior

Free avast! Security Seminar: http://bit.ly/2N1eaR2  -  Important: http://www.organdonor.gov/ -- My Web Site: http://bob3160.strikingly.com/ - Win 10 Pro v20H2 64bit, 24 Gig Ram, 1TB SSD, AvastOmni 20.7.xxx, How to Successfully Install Avast http://goo.gl/VLXdeRepair & Clean Install https://goo.gl/t7aJGq

Online DavidR

  • Avast Überevangelist
  • Certainly Bot
  • *****
  • Posts: 84619
  • No support PMs thanks
Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1949 on: January 14, 2021, 11:41:05 PM »

This is very interesting!  
Here is a link for what the Government is going to do for all seniors
for staying home during this crisis.
All seniors are entitled to a grant to stay at home to avoid the spread of COVID-19 Coronavirus
starting on Dec. 1, 2020.   
The Government grant is accessible to all seniors 65 and older.

Check the link below to see what your government has for you...

What the Gov't has for you as a Senior

Ha Ha, just what the UK Government is giving to seniors.
Windows 10 Home 2004 64bit/ Acer Aspire F15/ Intel Core i5 7200U 2.5GHz, 8GB DDR4 memory, 256GB SSD, 1TB HDD/ avast! free 21.1.2449 (build 21.1.5968.561) UI-1.0.597/ WinPatrol+/ Firefox, uBlock Origin, uMatrix/ MailWasher Pro/ Avast! Mobile Security