Author Topic: So funny I had to post  (Read 633310 times)

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Offline bob3160

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1905 on: September 21, 2020, 03:22:27 PM »
So, which one is your favorite?
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Online CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1906 on: September 21, 2020, 03:48:20 PM »
Home Covid Test

Step 1: Fill a large glass with a 14.5% full bodied red wine

Step 2 : Smell it.
If you cant smell it you possibly have covid
If you can smell it you may be OK
proceed to step 3

Step 3 : Drink the full glass of wine
If you can’t smell or taste it you probably have covid
If you can smell and taste it you are probably OK

I did the test last evening before going to bed and found that I could smell and taste the wine – but the words “probably OK” did not inspire confidence so I did the test several times – I lost count – but there were two empty wine bottles in the kitchen this morning. I have woken with a headache, nausea and feeling really groggy.

I am concerned that I might have covid and to be sure – I will repeat the test this evening.

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1907 on: September 21, 2020, 03:51:02 PM »
Mistreatment

Two blokes are in hospital, laid in beds waiting to go into theatre.

 One says to the other "What you in for"?

The other replies "Endoscopy"

"What's that then"? the first bloke asks.

"They'll send a camera down my throat into my stomach and look for things like ulcers or even cancers, what you in for"? replies the second bloke.

"Camera up my arse" says the first bloke.

"Do you mean a Colonoscopy"? says the second bloke

"Nah", says the first bloke,"The missus caught me taking pictures of the next door neighbour sunbathing nude in her back garden ..

Offline bob3160

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1908 on: September 27, 2020, 12:39:00 AM »
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Online CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1909 on: October 02, 2020, 11:39:31 AM »
Dear Abby:

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me.

Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door...

There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?

Or should I keep the whole thing to myself because the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom.

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1910 on: October 03, 2020, 10:39:48 AM »
Ooops

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered that she was out of credit, She asked her son, Little Johnny, to use his own phone ask his daddy who was at work to call her urgently.

After Little Johnny had called, he told mummy that there was a lady that picked up daddy’s phone the three times he tried reaching his daddy on the mobile.

Hearing this, Mom got angry. She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out yelling profanities at him and gave him a slap, and she slapped him again, for good measure. The neighbours were in the garden and shouted across asking what was wrong.

The woman asked Little Johnny to tell everybody that when he phoned his daddy a lady answered each time - it was obvious what had been going on

So Johnny told everyone that the lady had told him :-

"The subscriber you have dialed is not available at present. Please try again later…”

Online CraigB

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1911 on: October 03, 2020, 10:41:36 AM »
Caring Golfer

A husband  and wife are on the 9th  green when suddenly she collapses, from a suspected heart attack!

"Help me dear" she groans to her husband.

The husband calls on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks his putter and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and  stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're Putting?"

Don't worry dear says the husband" calmly "they found a doctor on the 2nd hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well how long will it take for him to get here" she asks feebly.

"No time at all" says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through”.

Offline bob3160

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1912 on: October 05, 2020, 02:34:41 PM »
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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1913 on: October 07, 2020, 05:32:13 PM »
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Offline bob3160

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1914 on: October 08, 2020, 10:05:33 PM »
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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1915 on: October 16, 2020, 02:01:24 PM »
Mary, Mary Quite Contrary

Paddy's & Mary's marriage was not doing well, eventually Mary took herself off to consult a therapist, Doctor O'Reilly.

The Doctor spent an hour patiently asking all sorts of general questions about their marriage and ticking boxes on assessments. He eventually started to probe her on the intimate side of things;

"Tell me Mary, how often during the average week do you have sex?"

"Well Doctor, it can vary but usually two or three times a week."

"That's very good Mary. When you're having sex how would you describe Paddy's expression?"

"It's not nice Doctor, not nice at all. He looks terrible angry."

"Ah that's very interesting Mary. Tell me, when you're having sex and Paddy has this angry expression what position would he normally be in?"

"Usually stood on top of the ladder looking in through the window ..

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1916 on: October 19, 2020, 02:10:22 PM »
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Offline DavidR

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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1917 on: October 19, 2020, 05:40:36 PM »
<snip image>

There was a program on TV some time ago, ICE Road Truckers (I think) and they had a one off series about trucking in the mountains (India I think) and god were there some hairy sections.  Some of the worst were when traffic was coming the other way, there were very few passing places and even then, bloody narrow.
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Re: So funny I had to post
« Reply #1918 on: October 19, 2020, 08:09:27 PM »
<snip image>

There was a program on TV some time ago, ICE Road Truckers (I think) and they had a one off series about trucking in the mountains (India I think) and god were there some hairy sections.  Some of the worst were when traffic was coming the other way, there were very few passing places and even then, bloody narrow.
I think this scene might be from South America. I wouldn't have to backup to get to a passing spot.
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